Hello there! I’m back, for now. It’s been a crazy past few months and I’m happy to report that I’m still standing. Hot flashes and all. Luckily, those are down to about four a day. But when they hit, boy do they hit!
(Jesus, is it over yet?)
And of course, they show up at the most opportune moments: While I’m applying makeup, while I’m trying to fall asleep, and during job interviews. As if interviews weren’t stressful enough, right?! If any of you ladies reading this are menopausal, you totally get it. Unfortunately, I can’t take menopausal support supplements but thank goodness for estrogen rings and Gabapentin. They’ve been a lifesaver!
Hormonal cancer is a real bitch, I’ll tell ya. For the next four years, I’ll likely be bouncing around different treatments because what works now may not work in six months. It was like that with Tamoxifen. While Tamoxifen has been
proven to be beneficial if taken for five to ten years, I felt that it significantly decreased my quality of life. I’ve learned to take comfort in knowing I’ve been aggressive with treatment so far. I’ve done a good job.
Speaking of interviews, I am getting close to working again. I can feel it! Back in February, the combination of everything that had happened since November 2014 finally caught up to me. I had been “Kelsey Strong” for too long and needed a break. The second half of 2015 was especially rough. I was still sick, depressed and in need of some time to take in everything that had happened. Since the diagnosis, I had been on autopilot, listening to and following all doctor’s orders. I didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about the weight of the disease because I was constantly in and out of appointments. Always in motion. While there’s a lot of waiting involved with cancer treatment, waiting isn’t an appropriate time to reflect.
The emotional pain of having cancer is heavy and I’m still working on coming to terms with it. Every morning I wake up, nausea immediately reminds me of the past 18 months. I was spared of it this morning, which was really nice! But all in all, I’m doing my best to maintain a positive attitude. We’ve all been through shit, right?! Yet, I’ve learned how healthy and important it is to feel all of the feelings associated with trauma. On the days I feel like crying, I cry. When I’m angry, I prop the mattress up against the wall, put on boxing gloves, and go to town. When I’m happy, I make the most of it and enjoy the moment. These practices have brought some much-needed clarity and perspective to my life. I now know that I can’t always help how I am going to feel, and that’s okay. The more that I drop my own expectations and stop worrying about what others expect of me, the more I feel at ease. If I gained anything from cancer, it’s peace.
So, I’m thinking that I may come back on Sunday to talk about… Boobs Foobs! Now that they’ve settled, they look pretty fabulous and every woman who goes through reconstruction should be happy with their results. I hope you all have a blessed weekend, and thanks for stopping by!
Good night! 🙂
